Who is the cast of bunt cake? You might as well ask, “which are the molecules of the cloud?” Or, “is it the donut, or the hole, that defines the donut?” Or something like that. The point is, existential crap that doesn’t make any sense. Is a recontextualized baseball card really a “cast” “member”? So far removed from coherence, can he — can it — truly “belong” to anything?

On the other hand, here they totally are:

Happy Guy is pretty much always happy. He’s got a tip of the hat ready for anyone in a position to receive said hat-tip, and has never really had a bad thought about anyone in his life who wasn’t at, like, the bare minimum a complete and total son of a bitch.

What makes Intense Guy (aka Looking Really Intensely to the Right Guy) so dang intense? I’m pretty sure what it is is he is genetically incapable of blinking, and so while he’s not actually intense by nature he’s cultured that appearance to simplify introductions.

Hesitant Guy — “Hezzie” to his friends” — is no fool. He’s not headstrong. He’s not the sort to rush in. Not a bumrusher, is what we’re trying to establish here. Not rash. He takes his time. He approaches with caution. Heads up, everybody, he says: it’s time for some gosh-darned reticence!

When Pensive Guy looks at the world, he looks at it through distraught, emotionally nuanced lenses. The kind of lenses that you see on a serious pair of glasses, the kind of glasses that are not just messing around. Pensive Guy actually wears contacts, however.

Hey, it’s Curmudgeonly Guy, and he’d like you to know that you can just stop it with the doing of all those things you’re doing that he personally dislikes. Yes, that, that — the thing with the fork, when you’re at a restaurant and you — oh for chrissakes cut it out!

And there’s a Bunch of Other People too, all of them wearing these weird outfits that kind of look like pajamas which is a pretty funny thing to do outside of your bedroom, if you ask me, and maybe they get a lot of guff for it and that’s why they carry maces around. Strange stuff.